— Stevie Kopas —
It’s that special time of year again, folks! The time of year when the smell of apple cider is in the air, the weather begins to turn, scary movie marathons abound, and we all revel in the season that is Halloween. I’ve always celebrated with friends, horror movies and books, and a tradition of heading to the historic city of New Orleans for Voodoo Fest and Halloween weekend.
This year, though, things have changed a little bit in my life. For the first time in years we won’t be heading to Louisiana for Voodoo Fest. Partly because the lineup has made a steep decline, but also in part because, well, this pregnant lady doesn’t really want to navigate the port-a-potties and day-trippers in her condition this year. (And by day-tripper I don’t mean local travelers.)
You might be reading it here first, so cool, I’m happy to share this news with you that, yes, I am pregnant with my first born, and no, I haven’t yet signed it away to Satan. I’m still waiting on a decent offer.
This year for my Halloween guest post on Meghan’s House of Books, I’ve decided to share with you my Top Six Picks for favorite maternity costumes, both gory and safe for work. I’m pretty lazy, so all these are simple costumes that can be done at home or purchased online and look rad as hell. Even if you don’t have a Halloween themed cocktail or tasty, pumpkin craft beer in your hand this year, who says the pregnant lady can’t win the costume contest?
Now, like I said, I’m lazy AF so I have no intention of modeling any of these costumes for you, but we have this amazing thing called the Internet that can do this for me.
I’m a horror hound, so you know I’ve got to lead with my bloody picks first! Without further ado, let’s get to these costumes!
The Gore Ward
Mama Unicorn & the Impatient Foal
This costume is number one on my list for several reasons. I am a glitter whore, I love unicorns, and I love anything bloody and disgusting. This costume is the perfect wayt o combine all three of those things.
The trick is to use lots of fake blood on your bump so everyone sees that your baby unicorn is ready to get the hell out of there and wreak havoc on humans Cabin in the Woods-style. (If you don’t get the reference, shame on you. Look it up.)
Not only do you have a glittery, bloody horn bursting from your pregnant belly, but you can totally slay a glam make up look as well as wear a ridiculous amount of everything rainbow and sparkle.
You can see the look here, and of course change how you see fit. Personally, I’d add more glitter and fake blood, but that’s just me.
I am not your typical person who likes to sit around and think that being pregnant is a beautiful thing. For me, it’s like having a parasite or an alien inside of me that constantly pukes up good food and steals all my life force, making me pass out at 10pm every night. So, this Alien inspired maternity costume is the perfect homage to my sentiments.
Shower yourself in fake blood and pack the black and blue shadow on under those eyes. (If you’re like me, you’ve got those dark circles already, so you won’t need to work so hard.) Glue or sew your chestburster prop to your bump and get ready to lure Ellen Ripley out for the fight of your life.
An alien chestburster toy can be purchased online for like $20-$30.
Zombie Baby Wants to Play
With zombies being my favorite, of course I’d include some kind of undead costume on this list.
This particular costume was inspired, in part, by the 2004 Dawn of The Dead remake, or at least I like to think so, so yeah, we’re going with that. In this particular scene, poor zombie Luda has given birth to a ravenous zombie baby!
So, go ahead, girl, zombify yourself in the most disgusting way you can and get some doll parts to stick to your bump. The bloodier the better, and bonus points if you paint the baby doll parts a nasty color. You can get an idea of how it should look from this Pin, but I recommend going even wilder.
The Safe for Work Stuff
Magic 8 Ball
If nostalgia is your thing, channel your inner 90s baby into that fetus of yours for the perfect (and easy as hell) Halloween costume. If you’re like me, you may want to give 8 ball answer seeking folks a heads up: a) do not touch or rub your belly without permission, and b) definitely do not shake you, this makes the vomit happen.
You can either make this yourself or just buy the t-shirt online like I would do. There are plenty of options to choose from, you can head to Amazon or Café Press to purchase. Here’s one I found on Amazon.
White Trash Beer Gut Guy
I feel like this costume needs no further explanation, but for the sake of the blog post, I’ll elaborate.
Basically, you’re going to want to find yourself an empty can of Natural Light (or something equally disgusting) and set that to the side. Then, don a filthy wife-beater tank and your favorite obnoxious trucker hat to complete the look! Don’t forget to paste on a fake mustache or at least attempt to pencil in some gross looking facial hair. The tighter the tank the better, don’t be shy with that bump turned beer belly! Bonus points if you walk around all day saying things like “war eagle!” and “roll tide!”
Now, as basic as this one seems, it’s probably going to be a bit tedious to individually stick colored cotton balls onto your shirt so that you look like the perfect candy-filled woman. I mean, if that’s your idea of a good time, then go nuts. You have the option, however, to purchase a shirt like the 8 ball or you can just get somebody to do this for you. No matter which way you go, you can have a fun, colorful costume that everyone will be jealous of.
This one is super cute because, and my mind always returns to the same place, you can create a really great make up look to go with it. Always remember: less bitter, more glitter, ladies, because there’s really not much better in this life than glitter. Fight me on that.
Bonus points if you use real candy and/or somehow manage to swindle quarters out of everyone you meet.
You can buy something like this online.
There you have it! I hope you find some of my suggestions helpful or at least mildly entertaining. Even if you don’t try the looks out for yourselves, you probably know somebody that will appreciate something on this list, so share it with them. And, hey, if you’re not pregnant, any of these costumes can be pulled off with the help of a round bowl or helmet of some kind. You can even slut ‘em up if that’s what you’re looking for.
Happy Halloween to all, keep it creepy, and be good to one another.
Stevie Kopas was born and raised in New Jersey. She is a gamer, a writer, and an apocalypse enthusiast. Stevie will never turn down a good cup of coffee and might even be a bit of a caffeine addict.
Stevie is the Managing Editor of the website Horror Metal Sounds and a writer/reviewer for the site.
Kopas also participates in the At Hell’s Gates horror anthologies and all profits are donated to the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund as well as the all-female author charity anthology Man Behind The Mask; all proceeds are donated to breast cancer research.
She currently resides in Florida and tries to spend as much time as she can in the sun.
She is an avid reader and watcher of horror and post-apocalyptic fiction (especially zom-poc). Offline, Stevie is a telecommunications professional.