I’ve been pretty book quiet lately. I just feel disheartened by events, and have lost interest because of those events. I can’t trust people I one supported and I have zero faith in organizations that I once thought were worth backing.
I have watched people who have done nothing be bullied out of their careers. And watched those same bullies surround and protect people who deserve to be called out publicly.
I have had my name connected to outcries and my story implied, have been dismissed as having a personal vendetta for reasons that are just untrue, and people try to use my name and story to further their own personal gain.
I have watched people be manipulated and attacked.
I have watched people share their stories of inappropriate behavior, and watched others jump on and make it all about them (and not the victims), watched others do what they can to control the narrative, to keep themselves looking like heroes.
I have been told stories of sexually inappropriate behavior and sexual assault at a convention I once loved, and seen the email dismissal (and denials) by the people running the convention (yes, calling the victims liars). I have seen the same convention heads call for the careers of others, claiming to believe and be on the side of all victims, those people destroying some and lifting up others.
I have watched people with virtually no talent hoisted on people’s shoulders as writing gods, watched them destroy careers of people they are jealous of, watched them skyrocket careers of the people that bow at their feet. (Sycophants, every last one of them. And they, sadly, don’t even see it.)
I have watched people grasp on to their relevance and hold on to it with every breath in their body, doing everything they must to keep it long past it’s sell by date.
I have watched the fake interactions between people that, in private, are very outspoken about the level of dislike they have for each other. In public, they schmooze and name drop and gush, all selfish and self-centered, using people to make their name/brand stronger.
I have also watched the fake (and often paid for) reviews on blogs I once looked up to as next-level, now run by desperate bloggers who take advantage of and destroy their name with every payment they take.
I have watched the blatant and disgusting lies. I have witnessed the pack mentality.
And I have been bullied – by bloggers, by authors – and have gone through it all with no (or virtually no) support system.
I have had people who call me friend to my face spread rumors and lies about me behind my back, and when confronted, they deny and deny, acting as if I did not have the proof I needed before I started asking questions.
I have spent almost eight years supporting and selling people – on and off my blog – and those people have taken and taken and taken until I have nothing left to give. And when I’m used up, they turn so quickly on me, looking for the next fresh face to take advantage of until they are dried up as well.
Through it all, I remained loyal.
I have lost all respect for the people I had once idolized and, to be honest, I don’t know if I will be able to come back from it this time.
Worse, I have lost my passion, my direction, any respect I may have once had for myself, and my self-worth.
I have struggled for several years, blaming myself for what I have lost, blaming myself for being bullied (and continuing to be bullied, rather than just give up and move on), blaming myself for not being able to do it, blaming myself for failing time and time again, blaming myself for everything. The truth is: It wasn’t my fault. I busted my ass at something I loved, and people didn’t like that. They made it a competition, where no competition was. My level of passion had nothing to do with them, but they made it a slight, they took it as an affront, and they did what they could to get rid of their “competition.” And I let them.
It’s time to get my head straight once again.
The direction may have been forgotten, and forgotten for far longer than it should have been, but it has never changed: I don’t need someone to tell me that I am relevant. I came here for one reason and one reason only – to talk books. I could NEVER speak to another author again and still be able to do that.