M. Ennenbach is the author of our second Christmas Day story, and I know I know… it’s technically a Thanksgiving Day story, but here’s the thing… When I went to write my schedule for the Christmas Takeover, I decided to try something differently. I put everyone’s name in a bucket and pulled it out and, interestingly enough, two of my favorite newer-to-me authors were selected out of the bucket for today, so that’s how we’ve ended up with a Thanksgiving story on Christmas haha.
Thanksgiving at the North Pole
A Story by M. Ennenbach
1,686 words
โFuck me.โ
โGladly my dear.โ
โFunny. I need help here. You have another funny quip or you feel like getting off of your lazy ass and actually helping for once?โ
โIf I have a choiceโฆโ
โNever mind then. I can do it by myself.โ
โI am just kidding. Calm down, we have tons of time. You always wait until the very end to start panic mode. Every year. What do you need me to do?โ
โThe elves are only working at ninety nine percent optimal speed. The reindeer have not tried on the new harnesses and my goddamned internet connection is slower than Krampus after a a second bottle of his nerve tonic.โ
โSo every thing is going just like normal?โ
โLook, I love you. You are my wife and partner but sometimes I want to throttle you. Just a little.โ
โSometimes I want that too. Maybe you just need a little break to stuff my stocking.โ
โNot right now, we are on a deadline here. And what the fuck is Rudolph doing? I swear if it werenโt for that shiny red nose I would put him down. With the advances in tech over the years he is not nearly as important as he likes to march around and act.โ
โLeave Rudy alone you big bully. Did you see that? Jennifer just hit her brother. Again.โ
โHe deserved it. He has been calling her names all day. He thinks he is sneaky. He will know just how sneaky when he gets coal. Again. One more year and he goes in Krampusโs wicker basket.โ
โFive years running and he still doesnโt understand you see everything.โ
โSome of these kids never learn. Doug stole another issue of his dadโs reading material and blamed the mailman. He is going to go blind if he keeps doing that. Surprised his hands arenโt covered in hair by now.โ
โI will head down and let the elves know they are behind production.โ
โAgain.โ
โYes dear, again. And then the reindeer will get fitted for the sleigh.โ
โNext year we are going to get in touch with that Musk guy. We could retire the deer and use electric engines. There are enough solar panels that I could get him to put reactive pads on the sleigh and we could charge as I make deliveries.โ
โWhat about in Africa? Or the more isolated areas in Asia?โ
โHybrid? Maybe give him a glimpse into the thermal tech we use to power the factory. If half of the elves used a quarter of their fucking brains we could have solved this years ago.โ
โYears ago the kids around the world still wanted toys. Now it is all about electronics and cell phones.โ
โDonโt get me started. Spent how much to renovate the production lines, to get up to speed on electronics instead of rocking horses and dolls. Surprised we havenโt had to install those suicide nets like in China.โ
โThe elves enjoy their work. And soldering is just as much an art as painting toys.โ
โI guess. But where is the joy in it? Making a device that is basically already obsolete by the time it is unwrapped. Remember those goddamned Furbys? Demonic little shits.โ
โOur business is happy kids, not telling them what they want or need.โ
โMaybe their parents should be telling them less watching other people play games and more playing with toys.โ
โYou realize when you get like this it is impossible to have a reasonable talk, right?โ
โIโm sorry.โ
โI know. Eat those cookies I brought down for you. Take a break and watch the newest Mr Robot, the season is almost done already.โ
โElliot is on my nice list. Angela was but recentlyโฆโ
โDarlene seems to be coming around though.โ
โTrue. Youโre right.โ
โWhat was that?โ
โI said you are right my love. I do need a break.โ
โWell Mr Claus, it seems you are capable of learning after all this time.โ
โWhatever. I am going to my study. One episode and then it is back to it.โ
โI will see to the others dear. I love you.โ
โI love you too Mrs Claus.โ
โPresley, Martin, Rachael and Sherwin, I need a word with you.โ
โYes Mrs Claus.โ
โWe all know today is Thanksgiving in America.โ
โYes maโam.โ
โWe also know how my dear husband gets at this time every year.โ
โYes maโam.โ
โSo why in the fuck are we at ninety nine percent efficiency? Can someone explain why we would be running any less than optimally on this day?โ
โBad peanut brittle. Nearly ten percent of the workforce has been racing to the latrines.โ
โBad peanut brittle. You want me to explain to Santa that ten percent of you ate bad peanut brittle and because of that production is suffering?โ
โIt is the truth maโam.โ
โSo the giant party last night had nothing to do with it? The fact that someone raided our pantry and stole all the powdered sugar is just a coincidence?โ
โWell, seeโฆโ
โI told them it was a bad idea. No one ever listens to me maโam.โ
โNo one like an ass kisser Sherwin. Rachael, is there any correlation between the sick elves and those that partook of the powdered sugar?โ
โPossibly maโam. I wouldnโt know. I was sound asleep by eight fifteen.โ
โSo you claim ignorance?โ
โUmm, yes Mrs Claus.โ
โPresley, let the workforce know until all the backlog is filled the cocoa will be sugar and marshmallow free.โ
โBut Mrs Claus!โ
โShall I explain to my husband that his production manager came to a meeting with powdered sugar all over his nose? Do you think sugar free cocoa will be his response? Remember last year when he caught Beauregard with pixie sticks? Has anyone seen him since?โ
โMy apologies maโam. I understand Mrs Claus. We will work through the night until we hit our numbers. Though there is a problem with some of the chips out of India.โ
โAnd I am hearing about this now.โ
โI just found out myself. The failure rate has gone from two to four percent.โ
โStill acceptable.โ
โYes but that has caused a back up in the screen department. We have had to go back and double check the last two weeks inventory.โ
โAnd?โ
โIt looks worse than it is. Just wanted you to know before it gets overblown.โ
โNoted. Now get your magical asses back to work before my husband decides to come down himself.โ
โYes maโam!โ
โAnd someone call down to the stables, let them know I am on my way. And let them know my mood. Not time for fuckery today, not on Thanksgiving.โ
โConsider it down Mrs Claus.โ
โDante, my friend. How are you today?โ
โDoing well Mrs Claus.โ
โThen explain to me why in the fuck the harnesses have not been properly fitted yet if you will.โ
โBut they have! We double checked them this very morning.โ
โSo then my husband is lying about it? What ever could he gain from that?โ
โDid I say this morning? It was probably closer to noon now that I think about it.โ
โOh. So were they or werenโt they fitted today?โ
โWe can do it again if you would like to check them yourself maโam.โ
โDante, if I wanted to get jerked off I would be in the den with my husband not down here where it frankly reeks of shit and sugar.โ
โThat is not, umm, I mean to sayโฆ yes maโam. I apologize.โ
โGod damn it Dante, what day is this?โ
โLetโs see the twenty third. Oh. Thanksgiving.โ
โAnd who freaks out every year on Thanksgiving?โ
โSanta does.โ
โAnd why is that?โ
โWe have a month until the big night.โ
โSo when he asks if the harnesses have been fitted correctly what do we do?โ
โWe double check them and send our report in promptly.โ
โAnd what the fuck is Rudolph doing?โ
โHe is upset with the other reindeer. He has been moping and sniffing glue all morning in his stall. Typical drama king, he gets worse as we get closer to the big night.โ
โAnd why is he allowed to mope?โ
โHe leads the sleigh? A sense of entitlement? Who can understand why a reindeeer stuck in teen angst does anything?โ
โNo. Because you let him fucking mope and act like this is his big production.โ
โHe has become impossible ever since that claymation special and song.โ
โThen teach him how important he is. Show him the sketches of the LED modules for the front of the sleigh.โ
โAre you sure?โ
โDante, did I fucking stutter?โ
โNo you did not Mrs Claus. It will be handled.โ
โGood. I expect a report sent in within the hour. And Rudolph to be on his best behavior. Santa is talking about Musk again. You know what happens then?โ
โWe are rendered obsolete.โ
โAnd what happens to elves and deer that are rendered obsolete.โ
โWe are turned into coal for bad children.โ
โYou are this close to that. Do not make me regret sticking up for you.โ
โYes maโam. Thank you very much maโam.โ
โJust do your fucking job and we will all make it through another season.โ
โYes Mrs Claus, my apologies. We will send the report directly to Santa asap.โ
โSee that you do.โ
โHow was your show dear?โ
โAmazing. They keep me right at the edge of my seat. Brilliant as always. I need to send them something special this year.โ
โYou should dear. The elves have been spoken to. And the reindeer have been fitted.โ
โAnd Rudolph?โ
โHe is learning an extra special lesson on knowing ones place.โ
โHo ho ho! Thank you my love. I couldnโt do this without you.โ
โDoes that mean you have a special treat for me?โ
โAnd what does Mrs Claus want?โ
โLetโs start with a candy cane, a special oneโฆโ
โHo Ho Ho! A thanksgiving miracle indeed. And then some stocking stuffing.โ
โAnd look at where I have hung the mistletoe.โ
โYou are being awfully naughty with it on your belly button ring like that. But rules are rules.โ
โIndeed they are, now about that sweet treatโฆโ
M. Ennenbach is a lot of things. Part time dreamer. Full time poet. Scribbler of tales. An Illinois yankee in DFW, but don’t hold any of that against him. A proud father of two that he loves more than life itself. His stories are written from a place of raw emotion, stripped pieces of the man himself spun into powerful trips through nightmare and daydream. Sometimes bleak, at others hilarious but always unique glimpses of another realm; his words will take you on a journey. His first collection, Notches, is available on Amazon and Death’s Head Press with more on the way.